Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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