What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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