Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
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Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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