so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
