We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
