i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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