I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
