I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
