I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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