and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
