i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
