I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
