So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
