I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
