Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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