How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
