there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
