We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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