Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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