In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
