i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
