No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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