this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
