If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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