Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Randomize
