I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize