I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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