I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
