there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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