saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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