I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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