Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
