am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
