she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
