It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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