I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
