Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
