Don't make out with my wife yet
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
