so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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