You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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