Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
