Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
