found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
