I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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