They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
