I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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