Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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