you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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