Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just high enough for therapy.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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