He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
