It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
