So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
