just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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