I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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