1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
