my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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