if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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